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Johnw
post Nov 23 2013, 17:54
Post #141


Junior
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Some advice please.

A neighbour is selling 8 legs of venison for 195.00, Is that two deer ?
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Turkishcap
post Jan 21 2014, 08:25
Post #142


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I see Roy Cropper got 1 point for an assist in last nights Corrie.
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JDB
post Feb 7 2015, 14:36
Post #143


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A woman who died last week has left all her money to be divided equally between the cat and the dog. The will is being contested by the parrot.
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JDB
post Mar 23 2015, 00:08
Post #144


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Chap with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party so he contacts a company which specialises in fancy dress outfits. They send him a red head scarf with instructions how to put it on plus a stuffed parrot to put on his shoulder and suggest he goes as a pirate. The man is upset and writes back a letter saying he is very angry that they are highlighting his disabilities. The company then sends him a large habit which they say will hide his wooden leg, and his bald head will be perfect for him to go as a monk. The man is incensed and sends another letter back saying how dare they highlight his disabilities in this way. In response, the company sends a parcel with a letter which reads "Dear Sir, we enclose a bottle of maple syrup which should be poured over your bald head and allowed to harden. We then suggest you take your wooden leg and ram it up your backside and go as a toffee apple."
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Arthur Chance
post Apr 1 2015, 19:51
Post #145


Junior
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From: Edinburgh
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Top reasons hockey is better than women

1. In hockey, everyone likes it rough
2. You only get five minutes for fighting
3. 'Puck' is not a dirty word
4. You don't have to play in the neutral zone
5. Periods only last 20 minutes
6. It is possible to score a few times in a night
7. When you 'pull the goalie' nobody get pregnant
8. You can alway get new wood when your stick breaks

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Arthur Chance
post Apr 1 2015, 20:45
Post #146


Junior
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From: Edinburgh
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!


Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry


Q: What is the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: the pupil


Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.


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JDB
post Mar 15 2017, 17:08
Post #147


Junior
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A man driving on the City Bypass was stopped by the Police.

Policeman: "Excuse me sir, are you aware that your wife fell out of the car 4 miles ago ?"

Man: "Oh, thank God ! I thought I'd gone deaf."
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JDB
post Apr 16 2017, 12:08
Post #148


Junior
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There's a great offer on the go just now from shops in Motherwell. With every bottle of Buckfast, they're giving away a free park bench.
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JDB
post Jul 13 2017, 09:50
Post #149


Junior
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Couple on their first date go to the pub and drink for 3 hours.

Man: Oh dear. I think I've drunk too much. I can't feel my legs.

Woman: No wonder. They're mine.
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JDB
post Sep 25 2017, 15:55
Post #150


Junior
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Two people were arrested yesterday in the Gyle Shopping Centre, one for stealing a car battery, the other for stealing some fireworks. The Police charged the first and let off the second.
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